Everyone who takes public transportation as a way of getting around has heard or seen the phrase “Train has collided with a person” (or some form of that, it’s the closest translation I have to the Dutch variation of this phrase). I read that phrase 2 days ago when I came back from an interview.
It makes me go cold inside: who was it? Was the person forced, was it an accident or was it suicide?
End of last year
I saw on the news that my classmate’s sister had been struck by a train, and that she hadn’t survived. Soon it was called a suicide, but the family didn’t see how such a girl as her could do something like that. After a lot of researching it still remained unclear to the family what had happened.
What happened 2 days ago
People sighted: “We’ve got another jumper… do those people only think of themselves?!”… like the hour of delay it caused us is worse than the horror that the strucken person and his/her family must go through. It makes me feel outraged! I think there’s too little thought about the reason people get hit by trains: yes, a lot of the time it’s suicide, but not always! And what if it’s a suicide, so what? Does that make it any less significant?
Is something a lot of people don’t understand: how can you WANT to end your life? How can those people be so selfish? – Those are the questions you hear a lot. And especially this one: “How can you do that to the people who are riding on the train, they get delayed because of you” – if there’s something I get angry at it’s people like that!
But, fair enough, if you’ve never been suicidal, I can understand it’s something extremely difficult to comprehend. People who attempt or succeed at suicide ‘look so normal’, and ‘you don’t expect something like that from them’. People who are suicidal look absolutely ordinary. Because they’re people, just like you and me.
So… how does it feel?
Like the world is nothing but darkness, as if from inside there’s only emptiness and no more hope that the world is going to get any better than it’s today. No more hope for the future. An endless emptiness that can’t be filled with something else but death. Sound quite vague, but that’s how I’d describe it.
From the outside you can’t see it, people are often wearing a mask and are saying “I’m just fine, thanks!”. People who have these kind of thoughts, they work, study, have friends and partners, and loving families. It’s not always the people with the horrifying pasts. Suicidal thoughts will come to the best of us. In times you least expect.
Yes… jumping, that’s a tricky subject. I once saw someone jump off of the building I now live in, at the uni campus I study at. It was as if my heart stopped for a beat: did I just see that happen?! Someone who was so desperate, had so much darkness inside, that jumping seemed the only way out? I didn’t think it was selfish at all – someone who makes that decision has thought long and deep about it: what will be the consequences for my family, the people who will see me jump/find me on the ground? Will it make the pain go away, or will things just get worse?
It’s a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Something that fascinates me and at the same time scares the hell out of me. Here a song that tells about it:
Autumn – premeditated dying
How other people think about this subject. I can discuss it for hours, but am mostly interested how you think about people who decide to make an end to their lives themselves instead of waiting it to end on its own when it’s ‘their time’.
I don’t know how to close such a heavy blogpost, so I’ll just end it off with saying goodbye for now 🙂